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So as I was Saying

Jeff Hare — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 03:48:47 GMT

The other day, I went to the hospital for a minor medical outpatient procedure. There wasn't too much to it, and I was in and out in a couple of hours. It is a very routine thing, and I have been through it before. Now, if you asked the doctors, it all worked just fine. If you ask me, I'm not so sure. Let me tell you about it.

One thing about this deal, is I get put under anesthesia for less than a minute. That is about as long as the whole procedure lasts. In fact, it takes longer to park the car, then the whole thing last. The secret, is how quickly it takes for the anesthesia to work.

Most of the time, it doesn't take me too long to go under. The doctor will get me talking about something, then a nurse is yelling at me to wake up. Once though, they woke me up laughing. Apparently right after I was finished, I started singing the Sinatra standard A Summer Wind. Of course I don't remember of it, but I guess it happened.

This time though, nothing seemed to work. The doctor would be talking, and I was answering him back. No sleep. You can see him getting more irritated, which I almost (almost is the key word) thought was funny. He and his assistants would be yip yapping about something, and then say "Mr. Hare, are you awake?" "Yes, why thanks for asking?" They would get nervous and keep on chattering. At one time I even asked, "Shouldn't I be asleep now?" That didn't go over well. It almost felt like that scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Remember, when the guy was collecting the dead bodies, and they brought a guy out who was alive ("I'm alive, not dead yet." "He's dead." "No I'm not, I think I'll go for a walk." "He can't walk, he's dead". Rent the movie, you'll enjoy it.).

They kept telling me I was asleep, and I kept telling them I wasn't. At one point, I told them to stop touching my eyes. I guess I wasn't supposed to know about that. It is one of those 'doctor' secrets.

Shortly thereafter I allegedly fell asleep. Than in the middle of that, all of a sudden, I felt like I got hit by a bus. It sure seemed someone was running around the room with a baseball bat. I let out a scream, and a nurse took off out of the room (that's what HK told me, who was busy on her smart phone, updating her facebook status to 'widowed' Okay I'm kidding about that part). The procedure woke me up! That's not supposed to happen. I guess the nurse came back in the room with something that worked better.

A few minutes later, they were yelling at me like they always do. "Mr. Hare wake up. Congratulations, the procedure worked." My answer? "No, it didn't. How did I wake up? I shouldn't even be talking to you now. Why am I not still under the anesthetic. What's up with that? Why am I conscious?" A fast thinking nurse said about the only thing she could think of. "Mr. Hare, you should go back to sleep, you'll feel better."

Eventually I got to ask the nurse the obviously question. "Why didn't you guys make sure I was asleep?" She said "We did. We touched your eyes, and that is one of the ways we tell if you're out." My answer was the only thing I could think of at the time. "Wait, wait. You guys touched my eyes, and I asked you to stop. I wasn't asleep." She answered with something unintelligible.

Apparently, the eye thing is one of the numerous tests they use to make sure you are out. All I could say is, "with all the advances in medical science, and all the stuff you can do in seconds with these machines, and the way to tell if someone is sleeping is by touching their eyes? Come on man."

They bribed me with a pretty good lunch, sent me home, and I was back to work the next day. I feel great, and all is well. Make no mistake, what the medical community does every day is truly a miracle. But still next time, I'm going to ask for a bit more of the sleep juice. That or a bigger lunch.

Back tomorrow with another Person of the Week.

We will talk soon

Jeff

Top Ten List

Jeff Hare — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 03:21:18 GMT

For our Top Ten List tonight, we are going to revisit a topic that has been discussed here in the past. We call it, 'Ten Things I've learned in my fifty years'. Hopefully, I can learn some things that are more intelligent in my next fifty years.

10. The great comic George Carlin said it many years ago, and it was so true. Stay away from blue food. An exception can be made for Blueberry's (which are actually purple), but aside from that, kindly decline.

   9. If someone says 'trust me', watch them with both eyes. And keep your hand on your wallet.

   8. Don't be afraid of failure. Challenge yourself, and do something. It can be anything, pottery classes, poetry writing, cake decorating, it doesn't matter. For me, this winter, it's guitar lessons. Just go out and make yourself a better person. People tell me all the time, that they want to do this, and want to do that. But of course, at the end, they won't do anything. Ultimately it is fear that keeps them away. Afraid of failure, or of looking bad to others. That reason isn't good enough, and should never stop anything that you would want to do. I can be the worst guitar player ever, but it won't stop me from taking lessons, and trying to make myself better. It's about me, no one else. I'm thinking the ukulele next year. That way I can hire myself out for luau's and make a few bucks.

    7. Casino's are a waste of money. Walk around a gaming house. If you can get by that awful noise that the machines make, take a look at the people sitting in there. There is a lot of desperation in there, as folks are spending their rent money thinking they are three cherry's away from joining the 1%. Sorry. Casino's are better at taking money then they are giving it away.

    6. I'm scared of heights, big time. Thus, I try to avoid glass elevators that go up the side of buildings. They drive me nuts, big time. I also sit on the aisle in airplanes.

    5. As I get older, I like patronizing places that are 'off the beaten' path. I am more interested in independent films, non-chain restaurants, and smaller, local businesses as opposed to the 'box stores'.   The smaller and quirky is nicer and better than where Madison Avenue tells me I should go.

    4. Avoid women named 'Peaches' or 'Bubbles'. Nothing good can come out of it.

    3. In addition to the heights thing (see number six), I am claustrophobic. Thus, you will never see me exploring caves. No interest there at all.

    2. If you see a restaurant that allows dogs, definitely eat there. I went to one in New York that was fabulous. People who own dogs are cool anyway, and if they would go into business that would cater to 'dog people', they need our support. The place had an area for dogs to rest, and eat. It was neat place.

And the number one thing I have learned at age of 50..

    1. The food at a buffet, usually isn't all that good. It's the old 'jack of all trades, master of none' thing. They do too many things, and usually none very well.

Thanks to Esquire Magazine for the idea. Back Tuesday with another So as I was Saying essay.

We will talk soon

Jeff

Person of the Week

Jeff Hare — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 03:45:46 GMT

We've had quite a week. A big winner at the Grammy's, a songbird quieted, and the birth of a star is in New York. But for today, lets look at the winner.

Can you imagine being singer Adele Atkins boyfriend? The relationship ends as they break up, and she goes out, in her pain and angst, and writes an album about the relationship, that goes multi-platinum album and wins six Grammy awards? I'm not real sure, but how does that work? And though we may not know his name, by virtue of this album, the world knows that he exists.

A great singer is one who can show his emotion through music. When the audience can touch the feeling, and feel the hurt, the singer separate himself for the others. The greats are able to do this. It has been said that Sinatra's best work came after his split up with Ava Gardner. The same thing can be said about Adele. Listening to her music, almost makes you want want to cry with her. The album '21', which is her third, has been atop the Billboard Magazine charts for 21 weeks. The emotion, anger and pain, of her breakup can be heard in every cut of that CD.

I'm amazed by the whole song writing process. How can someone at the tender age 24, compose such great music. Though it appear unlikely, it is not unprecedented. Paul McCartney and John Lennon were in their early 20's when they wrote much of the great Beatle music. Recently, another young British female 'Soul' singer, Amy Winehouse achieved commercial and critical success with some of her work that she did when she was young. Lady Gaga is only 25, and writes her Grammy winning songs. How people so young, touch such raw emotion and produce something so beautiful, is beyond my comprehension.

Adele actually pulled off a great second 'act' for lack of a better word, last Sunday at the Grammy Award show. In November, she had surgery to repair a damaged vocal chord. It was the type of injury, that led many to wonder if she would ever be able to sing again. On Sunday, in front of a world-wide TV audience, she showed us that she is back, and better than ever. It was one of the great performances you will ever see.

And of course, the six Grammy's won is no small feat. In fact, it tied a record with Beyonce, for the most ever in one night. That's good enough to make Adele, the daughter of a single teenage mother, our Person of the Week.

Back Sunday with another Person of the Week.

We will talk soon

Jeff

So as I was Saying

Jeff Hare — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 01:43:37 GMT

I'm ashamed to say this, but it is true. I'm a terrible gift giver. As much as I try, it just never seems to work out the way it should. Thankfully, with gift cards this whole practice has gotten a whole lot easier. For Christmas and birthdays, I just put a few bucks on a card, and send it off. And with the presents that people have received from me over the years, everyone is a whole lot happier.

HK and I rarely give presents to each other. We usually take a trip at Christmas, and that is usually the gift to ourselves. As far as a box under a tree all wrapped up, we usually don't do that. In fact, we haven't even put up a tree the last few years. That did change a bit this Valentine's Day though, as I did buy her something. More on that later.

The whole concept of gift giving has changed somewhat over the years. Think about it now, what do you really need or want? What do you have to have right now, that you couldn't go out and buy for yourself? I remember as a kid, pouring over the JC Penney catalog, then trying to convince my parents that I needed that toy, or that game. Now, most kids get anything they want. It's true, we know that. The day of hoping and wishing for a certain present is over. Except this year for HK. The gift I gave her is something she absolutely needed, and wanted.

I used to give the same gift every year. A clock radio. I gave them out to everyone. In my house today, there are five. If I could find a place for more, there would be others. Anyway, one Valentine's day, I gave my (then) wife one. That may be part of the reason, that she soon became an ex-wife. She didn't like it, and I didn't like the fact that she didn't like it. There is a name for that. It's called 'irreconcilable differences.' But HK will like what I gave her this year.

And really what is Valentine's day? The one day a year to 'show your love' to your significant other. Why not show your love 365 days a year? That way you wouldn't have to buy a gift on February 14, to try to make up. I'm convinced that this day was created by the candy companies, florists, jewelers, card companies, and clock radio manufacturers to play on our guilt, and drop some money. And this year I bought in, and spent a few bucks on a Valentine's day present for HK.

Okay, so now it is time for the unveiling. What did I get my wife for this holiday? Well, Sunday afternoon we went to the store to grab a few things, and she saw what she wanted. I told her to grab it, and we will call it a Valentine's Day present. It was her own, just big enough to fit her hand, heavy duty hi-speed, Milwaukee (I'm not being paid by the tool company, but if they want to, I'll cash the check) brand, electric with battery pack, drill. Yep, my wife wanted a power tool for Valentine's day. Which is fine with me, since I don't own any tools, and refuse to get my hands dirty.

She loves it. When I got home from work last night, she was hanging a cabinet in our kitchen (we are in the middle of a remodeling project). Also now with a lighter drill (the one she was borrowing was rather heavy), she won't have to worry about falling dry wall. Well maybe, at least I wont have to hold it in place anymore. With a lighter drill, she could probably hold it herself, right?

Have a Happy Valentine's day, and we will talk on Thursday with a new Person of the Week.

Just call me Mr. Romance

Jeff

Top Ten List

Jeff Hare — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 03:12:42 GMT

My wife HK was gone all last week on her skiing vacation, which left me with sole 'custody' of our two dogs. I have introduced them before, Oliver the crazy little Jack Russell terrier, and Coco, our Golden Doodle, who runs the show.   HK was concerned that I would have no idea how to care for her dogs, but I told her no need to worry. Raising dogs and raising kids (I have two sons, who are now older, but I've been there.) are very similar. When she asked how that can be, I had a list of ten ready for her. The ways that teenage boys and dogs are very much alike.

10. Both sleep all the time. Teenagers and dogs have the 'nap' thing down to a fine science. They both can fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

9. Filth and squaller doesn't bother either one. Dogs really have no care about where they hang out. Have you ever seen a teenage boy's bedroom?

8. Cars. Boys want to take the car everywhere. Dogs want to ride in the car everywhere.

7. You got to convince dogs and teenager that bathing is a good idea. (To keep me safe from my two, they were pretty good about this. But many I know with kids have had issues here).

6. Teenagers and dogs sometimes do dumb things. There were times that as a parent with kids, you just stop and shake your head.   It's the same way raising dogs. When they do some of the things they do, you just stop and wonder.

   5.   When it comes to their parents, both teenagers and dogs pretend that we don't exist. That is until they want something. Then see how quick they come running.

    4. One thing nice about dogs, is they really don't care about money.   Kids on the other hand...

3. And when it comes to the opposite sex. We will leave this one alone, though all parents know the answer to this, when it comes down to a lovesick child.

    2. Both make a lot of noise. Dogs bark, and teenagers with the stereos and telephones, you name it, they blast it. Teenagers also do a lot of barking, if you know what i mean.

And finally, the number one similarity between teenagers and dogs...

    1. They both can eat anything, anytime and everywhere. And as much as they can shove in their mouth...

All in all, I survived the week with the dogs, and over twenty years with the boys. And in fairness, both were incredible experiences that get better everyday.

Back Tuesday with another So as I was Saying essay.

We will talk soon

Jeff

Person of the Week

Jeff Hare — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:28:25 GMT

Over the last forty some odd years, one event has taken on a life of it's own. Super Bowl Sunday. What started out as a football game, that didn't even sell out in it's first game, now has turned into a perhaps the largest one day event in our society. The TV networks know this, as they prepare extensively, and charge the advertisers accordingly. Madison Avenue knows this, as they pay the 3.5 million dollars per 30 second commercial that the networks charge.

Bars and restaurants understand the impact of Super Bowl Sunday, and staff accordingly to handle the overflow crowds. Heck, even my neighborhood grocery store understands what this day means. I walked in Sunday morning, and they had snack foods, nacho chips, beer and soda, all on sale, and in the front of the store, so it couldn't miss it. It could be safely said, that New Years Eve, St. Patricks Day, and Super Bowl Sunday are the three busiest party days of the year.

In 1966, when Alvin 'Pete' Rozelle (that is done as a tribute to Howard Cosell by the way, who always referred to Rozelle by his given name) and Lamar Hunt came up with the idea of a championship game to end the football season, do you think they had any idea how big this thing would be? There is no way that anyone could have comprehended where this is, or even where it is going. No one at all would have predicted that NFL Football would be the most successful sports league ever, and that the season ending game, would completely obliterate anything that has been done before.

But in the end, it is still about a football game, and in case anyone has forgotten, last week the New York Giants beat the New England Patriots by the score of (quick what was it? Can you remember? 21-17. The MVP of the contest was one Elisha Nelson Manning, better known as Eli. This is the second Super Bowl that Manning and the Giants have won in four years, and the second time he has been named MVP. And for that, the graduate of Ole' Miss is our Person of the Week.

For you football fans, only six more months it it starts again. For you non-football fans, you have six months before it starts again. Both of you, enjoy.

Top Ten List coming down on Sunday...

We will talk soon

Jeff

So as I was Saying

Jeff Hare — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 03:52:51 GMT

The other day I bought a new car. As I drove my 2012 model off the lot, I couldn't help but think back to some of the other (ahem) automobiles I have owned. There was the one that I had to fill the radiator with water about every ten miles. There was a blown out hatchback on another. The battery was so bad on one, that I had to charge it before and after trip. Even if I went to the grocery store across the street, I had to charge it up. How about one that had no heater? Had to drive fast to get to where I was going. I drove one for a while, that my buddy told me, he was afraid it would get cancer, since it smoked so bad.

One about twenty years ago, while living in Detroit (of all places, Motor City), I really had trouble with my vehicles. You have arrived in automotive purgatory, when both of your cars are mentioned on the radio traffic reports. I've been there, and it's something I'll never forget. "On your Friday afternoon commute, stay away from Ford and Greenfield in Dearborn, as there is a stalled car.. Also Southfield road in Taylor has a broken down vehicle and it to blocking traffic." I remember telling the tow truck driver, "You better hurry, those are mine." "Which one?" "Both".

Needless to say both cars were old. Though they ran okay when moving, they both one major flaw. When it rained, they wouldn't start. A mechanic told me they both had a cracked distributor. So anyway, on this particular day, it's a Friday and we are leaving on vacation that afternoon. The plan was to work, then that afternoon pick up our two sons from daycare, meet up with the wife at home, and head on out. What could possibly go wrong?

The weather. That day rained hard. My car however, was parked under an overhang, and didn't get that wet. At five o'clock I go out, start the car and head out towards the day care center. It was at a stoplight about halfway there, when the car stalled. When I went to start it back up, it deader than fried chicken. So I got out of the car, pushed it out of the way, and called the wife to come get me.

That worked, so we went to Plan B. I would drop her off at home so she could finish packing, and I would go get the boys, come back and we would get out of there. A tow truck was picking up my car, and would drop it off at our house. That was another good plan gone awry, as that car broke down, this time in an intersection.

I got it pushed it out of the way, and called the tow truck company again. Finally I got a break as the driver that had hooked my car wasn't too far away. He could pick me up, take me home with the first car, then head out to get the second one.

Now, as this is continuing on, I remembered something that I was told years before. WD-40. Spray all over the distributor cap. That will dry up the moisture, and it should start. By now the rain had stopped, but traffic was snarled all over the western suburbs of Detroit, thanks to two pieces of junk with my name on the registration.

So I sprayed it on, and the car fired up. We paid off the tow guy, and feeling somewhat cocky, we took off to get our second vehicle. The process was repeated, and that also started. She took off for home, I took off for the kids.

The day care center wasn't amused, though we did call them and tell them we were running late. When we got there, the teacher told us that it really didn't matter as traffic was backed up all over town. (Okay, that part is not true). I got the kids picked up (and paid a huge penalty), got them home and we took off on our vacation.

Thankfully those days are long gone. My cars have gotten a whole lot better (The car I traded was relatively new, sportier Acura, which I liked but was tough to drive in the winter. My second vehicle is a BMW, which gets about two miles to the gallon of $3.50 gas) which I am real happy about.

Every time I see someone stranded on the side of the road, my heart goes out to them. Hey, I have been there. Twice in one day in fact.

Back Thursday with another Person of the Week

We will talk soon

Jeff

Top Ten List

Jeff Hare — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 21:15:36 GMT

It has been a kind different for me this week, as HK is away on her annual ski trip. Which means that I have the house to myself for seven days. This of course got me to thinking. What should I do while she is not here. This is what I was able to come up with.

10. I can leave all the lights on in the house. And not have to worry about the obligatory 'you going to leave that light on all night?'

9. Cap'n Crunch for dinner. And lunch and breakfast. I'll eat a year's worth of the cereal in one week.

   8. The temperature in the house is going up. Time to kick that thermostat up a couple degrees or so. The week she is gone, I can put my sweaters away. Almost like summer.

    7. It's time for inane TV shows. You won't see PBS on my TV at all this week.

    6. Sleeping late will be reality. Of course she left the dogs here, which means I'll still be up at 6:00 every morning. Why you ask? See number 5.

    5. This week, I am the 'new best friend' for the dogs. Which to them means, 'wake up Jeff, it's 6 am, and time for our morning walk.'

   4. Use all of the ice cubes I want, and never fill up the trays. That will show her for leaving. The only problem is, we have an ice maker on the refrigerator, and I don't know how to turn it off.

   3. Leave newspapers all over the floor.    Which I can blame on the dogs. "I have no idea how the papers got on the house HK. Maybe it was because I took them on their walk at 6:01 yesterday instead of six. You know how they get about their morning exercise."

     2. I can eat any food I want during the Super Bowl.   How many carrots or celery sticks do you figure I'll 'consume'? That number will be somewhere between zero and zero.

And finally the number one thing I can do, while my wife is off skiing. Which by the way, doesn't bother me in the least. As I have said before, there are some things that I should never do. Repelling down a mountain on two thin boards is high on that list,

1. Drive her car, and run it out of gas. "Honest HK, I have no idea why your gas tank is on 'E'. It was in the garage the whole time you were gone."

Back Tuesday with another So as I was Saying essay.

Enjoy the game, and be safe driving home from the party.

We will talk soon

Jeff

Person of the Week

Jeff Hare — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 18:26:04 GMT

I see this week that another icon of our youth has died. Don Cornelius, the founder, writer, producer and host of the TV show Soul Train was found shot, an apparent suicide. Inside and outside the music business, people are mourning a true industry pioneer. There are a lot of performers in this world who owe their career to him.

In the 1960's, while working as a DJ in Chicago, Cornelius saw a lack of exposure for African American Soul artists. He decided to do a TV show, that would feature Black musicians and dancers. That show lasted for a while. 35 years to be exact, and became the longest running syndicated show in the history of TV.

Artist's flocked to perform on the show. Aretha Franklin, James Brown, even Michael Jackson all sang on the program. Dancer's such as Rosie Perez, MC Hammer, Nick Cannon, and Fred (Rerun) Berry, got their start on the program. So did another fellow that had some pretty good moves himself, NFL running back Walter Payton.

As music tastes shifted more to rap, the influence of Soul Train waned. By 2006, the show's run ended, but his lasting effect on how we listed to music will never be forgotten. And he is our Person of the Week.

Back Sunday with another Top Ten List

We will talk soon

Jeff

credit Wikopedia with their help on this story

So as I was Saying

Jeff Hare — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 03:40:13 GMT

The other day, a friend was telling me about his adventures at a recent bowling tournament. We had a laugh over it, and it got to thinking about an experience that I had at one many years ago. This is one for the 'people are strange' file.

The tournament was in a town out in the middle of cornfield somewhere. It was about two hours from my house, and the epitome of rural America. You can see nothing everywhere there. I was set to bowl at three o'clock in the afternoon. We got there about one or so, and stopped into the lounge, to 'lighten the mood.'   There was a young waitress in there, who was working the event. She was a college student, good looking girl, and was doing a good job serving the thirsty bowlers. Table to table with a smile on her face, and beer in her hand. Basically, playing up to her crowd, which basically was chubby, middle aged bowlers. They were filling up her tip jar very quickly.

There was this one fellow in our group, who was ten years or or so older than most of us, and a very strange guy. He was a great bowler, but you really didn't want to spend too much time with him as he was way out there. Well, he took one look at this waitress and thought she was the one. He started following her all over the place, jabbering like a Chatty Cathy doll on Christmas morning.

She was nice enough to him, just trying to buck or two out of him. But he wasn't taking it that way. He thought that there was something going on between them, which of course there wasn't. It was almost embarrassing.

Now, I know that this is serious issue in society. Young girls stalked by an older man who knows no boundaries, is a bad deal, all the way around.   In fairness to the waitress, she did know how to deal with people like this. She wasn't getting personal with him, nor was she alone with him for any period time. Just serve him one, and take his money.

What made it so ironic, was she was in her early twenties, and attractive. He was in his early 60's and with very few redeeming qualities. When we saw what he was up to, it was like 'C'mon man. Leave her alone.'

So about an hour into the tournament, he comes up to me with a request. "Jeff, I need a favor." "Oh yea, Bill, what can I do for you." So he said "Tonight, can I borrow your car? I have a date tonight." I felt like the baby on the E-trade commercial ("Do you want to see my surprised face?"). My first response was, "With whom?"

To which he responds, "her" and points to the waitress. Since I am a reporter, the next question was only too obvious, "Her? Does she know it?" His response proved to me how strange he really was. "No, but she will. There was a look between us. She feels it. I know she does."   I almost thought he was kidding.

Of course she didn't feel anything, or want to go one any kind of a date with him. But that didn't stop our guy, as kept following her around, and she kept ignoring him. And it would have ended when we were done bowling, but it didn't. Since this was a small town at the end of the world, there was very little to do once the event was over. So for entertainment, the entire town went to the only bar in the county. That night it was full of bowlers (us), and local people. Our waitress friend was there that night with a group of her friends.

When we walked into the place, she greeted us, and we all enjoyed ourselves and had a nice time. Bill, who obviously didn't need my car, was continuing what he started that day. Just following her around, and making a pest of himself.

Finally about midnight, Bill told us he was done and was going home. When I asked if the two of them needed a ride (by now, she hadn't said a word to him since about none thirty pm), he declined and said there was a problem. "Oh, what would that be, Bill." His response was classic. "My ex-wife's cousin, next door neighbor, knows her aunt. If it got out about me and her, it wouldn't be a good thing." I'm not sure what all that meant, but he may have been right.

I shot the waitress a glace, and raised a glass, which she returned. Got to give her credit, she did know how to handle that kind of thing, with those kind of guys.

As far as Bill goes, he went with us to a few more bowling tournaments, and tried again to chase a few waitresses.   He never 'caught' any, and I don't think he has had a 'date' since the Eisenhower administration. The thing is, I kind of feel sorry for the guy, as he really is just lonely. But that doesn't give him a pass to make a fool out of himself.

Back tomorrow with another Person of the Week

We will talk soon

Jeff

Top Ten List

Jeff Hare — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 02:55:47 GMT

Last week, our Top Ten List featured ways that prove that one is a 'manly' man.   The thing is, over the years attitudes have changed, and in some places, the 'sensitive' male is now in vogue. So how does one go about that? Here are Ten Ways to prove to the world that man can be a caring soul.

10. Wear pullover sweaters, maybe draped around your neck,with the arms tied. Kind of the "Biff from Lambda Chi' look. If you don't own one, a sweater vest could work in a pinch.

   9. Moisturize. Because who wants dry skin?

   8. Drink only wine, or imported bottles of beer. Nothing out of the tap, unless it is something exotic like Guinness or something else imported.

    7. At a restaurant, and when they ask if you would like a glass of water, say "yes but with a slice of lemon, please."

    6. Real leather shoes. Get rid of anything that reeks of Chinese plastic.

    5. Own nothing polyester. Actually this rule applies to everyone, everywhere and in all walks of life. The only people who get an exception are professional bowlers. For the rest of us, there can be no synthetics at all. This is actually done for safety reasons. We all know what happens when you stand to close to a heat register and are polyester.

     4. Take your poodle out for a walk.

     3. Your car doesn't get washed. Nope. Now it goes in to get 'detailed'.

   2. At dinnertime, you eat all of your salad. And there is no complaining that about it filling you up before the steak arrives.

And finally the number one way to let people know that you are a 'sensitive' man..

     1.   You record Glee and Dowton Abbey on your DVR. That way you can watch them when you got time, that kind of thing..

Thanks, back Tuesday with another So as I was Saying essay.

We will talk soon

Jeff

Person of the Week

Jeff Hare — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 03:15:49 GMT

With the coming of the new year, it's time to start the 'awards season'. You know, the Golden Globes, the Oscars, Grammy's, Emmy's, Tony's, People's Choice, you name it, they have an award for it.   Best music, best TV show, who do the people like, who does the kids like, who has the best music video, (which leads me to the question, do they even make music video's any more?), who has the best country video, and it goes on and on. The rich and famous love to pat themselves on the back.

Actually some of the awards shows are fun to watch. The Grammy's, which the music industry honors itself, loves to bring out the industry's best, with their 'A' material. Two years ago, Fergie and the Black Eyes Peas absolutely killed it, and last year Lady Gaga was top notch. Plus she arrived at the arena in a giant egg, which was a hoot.

The Academy Awards are also a favorite, as that is the night that the Hollywood takes it self way to seriously. It is fun watching them get all high and mighty, giving out Oscars to movies that you really never heard of, or didn't like all that much, though, I did see last year's winner, The King's Speech, and loved it.. Also, I now have an affinity for the Tony awards. While in New York last fall, I saw the 2010 winner for top musical, Memphis, and enjoyed it a great deal.

But not everyone wins and award. The great comic, Red Buttons, always used to say, "I never got a dinner. Everyone else gets one, but not me."   I'm with him on that. Red and I have something in common. Our friends never came to an awards dinner in our honor. My new goal is to change that. I need to get honored at a big awards banquet. I'll think of a reason why.

Shirley Dinsdale got a dinner, are you kidding me? For years, she was a ventriloquist had a TV show in Los Angeles. Her character Judy Splinters won the first Emmy every awarded, in 1949, for Outstanding Television Personality. You can bet she got a dinner for that. Shortly thereafter, she retired from show business, and became a Cardiopulmonary therapist.   She passed away in 1999.

But she got her award, and her friends got to eat cold chicken and green beans in her honor. This week, she's our Person of the Week.

See you Sunday with another Top Ten List

We will talk soon

Jeff

So as I was Saying

Jeff Hare — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:26:05 GMT

I almost killed my dog the other day, and I feel terrible about it. As well I should. If you ask me, I'd tell you it wasn't my fault. If you would ask the dog, I'm certain he would beg to differ. HK believes that her dogs could do no wrong, so that makes it my fault. Maybe I better explain.

Over the years, I've told you about our dogs. We have a female golden doodle (standard poodle, golden retriever mix) who runs the house, and a male Jack Russell terrier, Oliver, who is the enforcer of all rules. Even as he is getting older, and slowing down a bit, you still don't want to cross him.

Now it says on it's website, Jack Russell's aren't for everyone. They are extremely intelligent, resourceful, with a very strong instinct that can get them in trouble. If you have the patience, they can be a great dog. Over the years, we have had to have a lot of patience with him, which he does pay back. He is very loyal, loving and protective. Nothing happens in that house without him knowing about it. You just make sure to stay on his good side.

As a fighter he can be nasty. He has never bitten a human, but everything else he has. More than a few times HK or myself has had to grab Ollie and get him out of a situation, before it gets out of control, and some other animal gets hurt badly of even killed. He is like a gunfighter, cunning and charming. He goes off to kill, and comes back like nothing ever happened. Over the years, I have seen him lose only two fights. Both to the same 'critter'. A mean, nasty, feral cat that patrols the back alley.

When an animal loses a fight, ordinarily they try to avoid that situation. Not Oliver. He is obsessed with that cat. Revenge is his motivation. We keep him inside, but when he does escape, he heads right to the alley to find his old buddy. That cat is in his head. On occasion, when Oliver is inside, that cat will come on the porch and torment him through the windows. That just drives Ollie crazy.

So last week, that's what happened. That afternoon, the cat showed up on the porch, and teased my guy. Oliver didn't forget and was waiting for an opportunity to get out. And I gave it to him.

About 11 p.m. or so, I was shutting the house down to retire for the night. Problem is, I had left my phone in the car, and needed to go get it. The temperature was below zero, but I figured I make a quick dash out to the driveway and retrieve it. When I opened the door and took off, I didn't see that Oliver had followed me out, went through the gate that I left open, and was off for a 'scuff' with that cat.

I found the phone, ran back to the house, shut gate, went in and locked the door. At that point, I finished up turning off the lights, closed up the the fireplace down, and was looking to settle down.. As I am getting ready to head upstairs for the night, I hear Oliver barking. The barks sounded like they were coming from a distance, and I figured he was upstairs in bed. And true to his personality, he was mad about something. I was right.

When I got upstairs, he was still barking. Except he wasn't where I thought he was. In fact, he was nowhere to be found.

So I take off down the stairs, and start looking around. In checking all of his hiding spots, it was clear that he hadn't been in any of them for quite a while. By now, the barking had stopped, but I panicking, no Oliver. I went back out to the sub-zero back yard, to look around, but couldn't find him anywhere.

Back in the house I go, checking under blankets, in his food dish (don't ask), out on the screened in front porch. Still no trace. By now, twenty minutes or so passed.

He had to be outside. I mean, I checked the entire house, and he wasn't there. So again, I head outside, wearing, slippers, shorts and a tee-shirt. I'm not really all that sure what I would have done, had I had head off the alley and find him. Fortunately that didn't happen.

I'm looking everywhere in the yard, when I caught a flash of white, out of the side my eye. "Oliver", he looked up, and started jumping. (Jack Russell's jump. It's the darndest thing you have ever seen. My guy has a higher vertical leap than I do. By a great deal).

The second I opened the gate, he ran up the back stairs and to the house as fast as he could. He does have short hair, and he was frozen to the bone. Once in the house, he continued in a dead sprint, up the stairs, and onto my spot on the bed, and right to sleep. He didn't look back once.

In the couple of minutes it took me to lock the door, and shut the lights off, and get up the stairs, he was spread out all over my area. When I woke him up to move him, he was more irate than usual. I could almost recognize the look in his eye. "Let me see if I understand this. You leave Me outside in the bitter cold, and then you kick me out of this warm spot, because YOU want to lay down here? Come on, man."

He was so mad at me, he wouldn't hang out for a couple days. I couldn't touch or even get within a few feet of him. Finally, after dinner one night, I gave him some 'people' food, which got me back on the Christmas card list. But even though it has been a week now, he still won't sit up and watch TV with me at night. When HK goes up, Oliver is right behind her. He still doesn't trust me. Come on Oliver, it was an accident. I didn't know you were there.

He doesn't believe me.

Back Thursday with another Person of the Week

We will talk soon

Jeff

Top Ten List

Jeff Hare — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 03:06:35 GMT

So what makes a man a man? That's a good question, and deserves an honest answer. This question was brought up by a friend of mine last week, so I thought I give him ten things that would help become a top flight male human being. Maybe I should teach a class or something.

10. Listen to country music. Any man worth his salt will listen to, and perhaps get a bit emotional, while listening to the music of Nashville. I mean it has everything, dogs, pickup trucks, mama, trains. Why listen to anything else?

   9. Watch wresting, drink beer all while sitting in your underwear. I'm not sure any explanation is needed. Just try not to think about the visual.

    8. Never, ever ask for directions. "We don't need a map, I know right where we are."

    7. Put the parental blocker on Glee and Dowton Abbey. The wife and kids can watch wrestling, like real men.

     6. Get some wood pieces, and leave them laying around your basement, so it looks like work is being done. "This is a bookshelf I'm building, and here is half a birdhouse. These boards here, are for the refinish job I'm doing in the basement. I'm building a kitchen, bathroom and two more bedrooms down here."

      5. "You can keep Barrymore and Olivier. I'll take the Fox NFL Robot playing Hamlet any day."   Your wife may think you are so intelligent and insightful. Or she'll think you're a dork.

      4.   Why spend the money on fancy shoes, when you can wear your work boots? Even to church. I mean, they look fine. Right?

       3. Belch. Nothing says 'romance' to your wife, then a good old fashion burp. You can do that while watch wrestling.

       2. Brag about old sports glories, "Once in high school, I ran for 600 yards in one football game. And in basketball, one night I scored 140 points. You could look it up, but no one wrote down records back then."

And finally, the number one thing that a 'real man' needs to do.

       1. Barbeque. Even if you have never cooked anything in your life, once that grill is fired up, it's time to show them all. For added effect, get one of those "World's greatest Barbequer' apron.

Back Tuesday with another So as I was Saying essay.

We will talk soon

Jeff

Person of the Week

Jeff Hare — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 04:04:48 GMT

I got a new hero. His name is Raylan Givens, and he is a deputy U.S. Marshall on the brilliant television show Justified, which is on the F/X network. Givens is the kind of guy, who has very defined way of getting to the bad guys. That is he uses his gun a great deal, as he keeps Harlan County, Kentucky clean from crime.

But this story isn't about Givens or the TV program. It is about the creator of the series, the great writer, and Detroit resident Elmore Leonard. In the world of great crime/western writers, Leonard is the best there is. To quote the ex-football coach Bum Phillips, "he may not be at be in a class of his own, but it sure doesn't take long to call the roll." That certainly describes Leonard.

His writing style is very distinct. In his crime novels, you can almost feel the grit and grime of the city (In Detroit, there is a lot of grit and grime), as he tells the story. It really becomes a theater of the mind, as you can see the images as it's described on the pages.

If you watch his characters on TV or the movies, you have to pay attention to the storytelling, so you can can feel the desperation and turmoil going on inside their heads. They are all flawed as people, but Leonard does a great job of making them sympathetic to the viewer or reader, which is all that much more compelling, and interesting to watch or read.

That's all fine and good with his crime drama's (such as Get Shorty, Mr. Majestyk starring Charles Bronson, Jackie Brown, ect.), but he does the same thing with his western novels. If you want to see a great one from that genre, get a hold 3:10 to Yuma, starring Russell Crowe. That too, is a Leonard story, that will keep you glued to your seat the entire time you are watching it.

So anyway, the reason I bring this up is, this past Tuesday was the start of the new season of Justified. Already it promises to be great. Which of course we have come to expect with our Person of the Week, Elmore Leonard. And we will make Raylan our Honorable mention, Person of the Week for catching all the bad guys.

We are here Sunday with another Top Ten List..

We will talk soon

Jeff

So as I was Saying

Jeff Hare — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 05:10:01 GMT

Well now that the holiday's are over, it's time for the winter blahs to set in. It is usually so depressing this time of year, as we fight the snow, cold and whatnot. So this year, I decided to do something about it. Winter isn't going to get me down, I'm going to put up a fight.

A month or two ago, I received a flyer in the mail. It was from the parks department, talking about various classes and activities that are offered through out the winter. It was about to find it's way into the fire place, when for some reason, I picked it up, and thumbed through it.

Like many of us, when stuff like that comes through the mail, it usually doesn't get looked at it. But I had been thinking about the onset of winter, and what, if anything, to do about it. So, when this thing came to my house, I started looking through it. It got me thinking. I too, can be a Renaissance man, like Di Vinci, Monet, or Shakespeare. Or maybe I be a sculptor, like those Greek guys who started my college fraternity.

One would think that the possibilities would be endless, but reality had to take over. I'm not real artistic, and since I don't really don't understand how it works, the pottery classes were out ("It's an ashtray or a giraffe. Believe me.") Oil painting might be kind of cool, but it would involved one thing that I fight at all costs. Getting my hands dirty. So just as I was about to give up on the cultural thing, I spotted it. Just popping off the page at me. 'Beginning Guitar'.

Now I have talked about my musical talents before in this space. I played the French Horn in school, though no one is supposed to know about it (now over 40,000 do. Tell your friends, we can add to that number). And to be perfectly honest, I was a terrible in the band. Couldn't march, but that was okay, since I couldn't play the instrument either. But over the years, I have developed a love of music (jazz and blues), and have had some regrets about not taking my musical education a little more seriously. So I look at taking a guitar instruction class like a second chance. So I jumped all over it. Then I picked it up, and called the phone number.

It was seventy buck for seven lessons. After that, there is a second session if I want for another 70 bucks. It starts in early January and continues on into March. Right in the middle of the drudgery and muck. Long enough to get out of the funk.

So I paid the money, went out and bought a acoustic guitar, and am giving it a shot. So far it has been a blast.

I'm honest about it. Certainly I'm not "Haric Clapton' by any means, nor will I be. But it will be fun, and something for me. If I can learn a few chords, and am able to strum a song or two, I'll be happy. Hey, who knows, maybe I can go the front porch and sing "Down in the Valley" like Barney and Andy.

Last week was my first class. There are four student in our group, all over age fifty. The instructor is older yet, and he just loves to pick and sing. Which is fine, except none of us can join him. That's why we are there. About ten minutes in, he says, "Don't worry about the singing, I got it covered. Just follow along."

So you had these four people in a room, trying to pick a guitar, and sing "Row, Row, Row your boat". Truthfully it sounded like cats crying/ I didn't hear the noise at all, as I was having a great time. The instructor would say "be sure to tap your foot to the beat" and start in with singing another song. "Does anyone 'On top of Spaghetti/" For a while, I thought I was hanging with Briscoe Darling himself.

I will say that he is doing a pretty good job teaching us the basic chords, and thus far I have no complaints. After two classes, and a week of practicing every day (which I never did with the French Horn) my fingers are pretty sore, but I really don't mind. Although I may not be able to do much on the guitar yet (I've still working to master 'Happy Birthday' and 'Jingle Bells'), I am making some kind of music, and that's what it is all about. Plus I'm beating the winter blues.

The moral of this whole thing? Don't sit around wanting to so do something, go out and do it. I'm already thinking about next winter, and what I'll do then. Maybe pottery, or I'll finally learn how to play the bagpipes sitting in the trunk of my car.

Come back Thursday for a Person of the Week

We will talk soon

Jeff

Top Ten List

Jeff Hare — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 04:01:00 GMT

It can truthfully be said that my life has changed a great deal in the past few years. I used to live in an old trailer, and ate Captain Crunch and Big Mac's three meals a day. That all went by the wayside, when I met HK. She does a great deal to keep me going in the right direction. Tonight in the Top Ten List, I'll explain some of those things, and why it's necessary.

10. Chauffeur. When we go anywhere, she insists we take her car and that she does all the driving. All of it. It really doesn't bother me, since every time I drive, she starts complaining even before we pull out of the driveway. Even if we take 12 hour car trips, she does all the driving. No problemo.

   9. Skipper of the boat. Again, with the driving thing. This time on the water. What bothers me, is it takes her about two seconds to make the decision. "No Hare, sit in the back". One of my goals in life is to drive the boat. I don't see it happening any time soon. Of course it is the middle of winter.

   8. Dog walker.   Of course, they're her dogs. But, do you know what it would cost to hire a dog walker?

    7. Political pundit. If you know HK, you are very aware of her leftward political leaning. She does a good job making sure those around her know about it also. I have my own political consultant, and I don't have to leave my living room.

     6. Laundress. The only reason she does my laundry, is she says I am incompetent to run the washer. Something about replacing the pump twice, and repairing it another time.

      5. Appliance repair person. As I said above, we had to replace the pump twice, and repair it another time. In fairness to me, the tools belong to her and to quote Benjamin Franklin, "Be not a borrower or lender be." Believe me, if's for the best.

      4.   Movie Critic. Me, "What do you say, we go see the Dukes of Hazard. Jessica Simpson is in it." HK, "We will not watch such drivel. There is some highbrow English thing on, with actors from Masterpiece Theater. We need to go see that. I'll drive." I get culture that way.

      3.   Fire builder. She used to be a Camp Fire Girl. Me? I could see the house burning down. It would be back to the trailer for sure.

      2.   Mexican Restaurant expert.   It must be some kind of mental thing, but when I go to a Mexican restaurant, I can never remember what to order. Once when HK was out of town, I had to call her and ask. "Hello." "Yea, hey I'm at Cinco de Mayo's Pancho Villa's. What do I eat here/"
"El Grande Burro." "Thanks, have a nice trip, see you when you get back."

And finally the number one thing about HK...

        1. She hangs sheet rock.

Back Tuesday with another, So as I was Saying essay. We will talk soon.

    .

Person of the Week

Jeff Hare — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 03:53:25 GMT

So whats the deal with Tim Tebow? Has there ever been an athlete that has polarized the sport world as much as this guy has? It's really hard to understand why. Ever since his days as a high school football quarterback at Nease High School in Ponte Verde, Florida, through his college years at Florida and on into his NFL career with the Denver Broncos, Tebow has been the one player, that people love to hate.

The thing is, he has been extremely successful at all levels of his sport. In high school, he was the two time Florida football player of the year, and a Parade magazine All-American. As a Gator, he was the first sophomore ever to win the Heisman Trophy. Oh yea, under his watch, his team won two national championships. He was a first round draft pick by the Denver Broncos, and in his second year, he led them to a division title, with a thrilling playoff win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. And still, to quote Rodney Dangerfield, he gets no respect.

In fairness, some of the criticism is valid. His passing technique is loathed by NFL coaches and scouts. The coach that drafted him in the NFL was fired, and drafting Tebow was said to be a reason. His statistic line borders between 'bad' and 'terrible'. Sometimes he looks like NFL great John Unitas on the field, and others he looks like Millie Unitas. But the one that that he does very well, is win games. And like any superstar, he makes everyone around him play better. Usually that means another mark in the 'W' column. Many pundits had the Broncos as the 'worst team' going in to the 2011 season. But someway, somehow, Tebow led and rallied this team to victory more that a few times..

Off the field, he has a tendency to discuss his religious views quite openly, which puts off many people. But in reality, he isn't the first football player to ever discuss religion, and certainly won't be the last. .But the athletes who have done it in the past, in no way inspired the pure vitriol (yes, it is a new word. I hope you like it.) that Tebow does. And no one seems to know why.

There is one thing that everyone who has ever met him agrees on. He is very nice person. Every where he has ever played, his teammates love him. He treats the fans and media will respect. He visits hospitals and gives away game tickets to sick and underprivileged kids for everygame, both home and away. Even before the playoff win over Pittsburgh, (which by the way, was won on a 80 yard Tebow touchdown pass in overtime), he had spent time with a young girl who had 72 surgeries. Most people enjoy being around him, as he seems to inspire everyone he comes in contact with. Yet he still gets takes an awful a lot of abuse from detractors.

There are those who say the success that he and his team has had, is due to divine intervention. They point to Tebow's late game heroics, with the comeback wins, and think that God woke up one day a Bronco fan. Personally, I don't believe that, but it has been said more than once.. In my mind, Denver wins because of a solid defense, good running game, and a quarterback (Tebow) who keeps plugging away, and makes plays when they are needed. I'm not sure that he will end up as one of the all-time greats, but certainly won't be one of the worst to suit up either.

All I know is that, love him or hate him, it has been a great fun seeing him take the field. I'm not alone in that thought, as TV ratings for the Bronco's have been sky high since he became the starting quarterback. He is one of those guys, you just can't take your eyes off. He's going to do something and you don't want to miss it. Denver has a tough one this weekend against the Patriots in New England. But for now, Tim Tebow is our Person of the Week.

Back Sunday with another Top Ten List

We will talk soon

Jeff

So as I was Saying

Jeff Hare — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 02:25:03 GMT

The announcement came a few days ago. I read it with great trepidation. The Kmart store, where I spent a great deal of time in when I was a kid, was on the hit list, and would soon be closed. I hadn't been in that store in a few years, but hey, my disappointment should be evident.

When I was seven years old, we moved to a subdivision in the middle of nowhere. Literally. The pavement ended at our street (actually a block up, but is anyone counting?), and turned into gravel from there on. Of course, that areas is now all built up, but back then, the only thing you could see were acres of cornfields. Until one day, about a year after we moved in.

It was less than a mile away, and it would spring up out of sea of nothingness. In all of it's aqua marine (remember the smocks all the clerks wore) glory. A Kmart store was built on that empty field.   A tornado had knocked down a drive-in theater that was at that spot, and the only things left standing were a bunch of speaker poles. But once that store opened, the world would arrive for for an eight year old kid.

And it had everything. A great toy department for when I was real young, and cool sporting goods (okay, the quality wasn't the best, but it was cheap). There was also a place to get your car fixed, and get your pictures taken. They had it all. At the front door, there was a big air popper,, so the whole place smelled like popcorn.   My friends and I thought this was the greatest place in the world.

When I was about ten, I was allowed to walk (or ride our bikes) the mile on way to the store. I think it can safely be said, that for the next four or five years, I was at that place every day. There was no need for a reason, maybe it was buying baseball cards, or eating the sub sandwiches they sold. At the time, I thought those subs were great. When I was in my 20's I stopped in for one, and realized how bad they really were.

There was also an important lesson that I learned at Kmart. That is, never forget mothers day. Now let me preface this by saying that I really don't buy gifts well (HK and I really don't exchange presents for Christmas or birthdays. She sees what I give her, and tells me not to spend the money. That's why she is a keeper. That and she hangs drywall).

Anyway, I was ten or eleven years old, and didn't check the calendar, or whatever, and missed mothers day. Of course my sister remembered what she was supposed to do, and she was only eight. And mom gave me the "I'm not mad, only disappointed" thing.

I did get a bit lucky though. My buddy next door neighbor forgot, and his mom wasn't disappointed, she was mad. And she called my mom to express her ire. Ten minutes later, he and I made the trip to the store. my mom got a pair of grass clippers.

The thing is, the kids weren't the only ones who liked Kmart. The adults loved it. For entertainment, our next door neighbor would head over and chased the 'blue light' around. ("Attention Kmart shoppers...For the next five minutes, and five minutes only...").   Believe me, it was a lot simpler time.

And of course, things change. Kmart had some problems, and ended up struggling as a retailer and are closing many of their locations, including the one I grew up in. I do remember the last thing I ever bought there. It was about eight or nine years ago, and I needed to take something to a bowling league potluck. I stopped in and picked up a bag of potato chips. Say what you will, they were gone at the end of the dinner.

So now, as they are closing that store it just goes to show, or as Rosanne Roseannadanna (from Saturday Night Live) used to say, "It's always something.'   Another vestige of my youth is gone.

Oh well. It's not like they banned the Big Mac or anything.

We will talk soon, like Thursday with another Person of the Week

Jeff

Top Ten List

Jeff Hare — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 03:19:49 GMT

As we all know, this has been a very mild winter. Most of the country hasn't seen any snow, or ice, and the temperatures have been far warmer that what we are used to for this time of year. This, of course, does begs the question. What are we to do, when winter really hasn't arrived, and we are stuck in January? Here are ten things that I was able to think of.

10. Turn your furnace down very low. Then you can freeze just like any other January. If you make it cold enough, it may be warmer to go outside. When has that ever happened in midwinter?

9.   Go out to the garage and sit on the snowmobile. You can always dream of a foot of new snowfall. You can also yell 'vrrom, vroom' (you know, like you're driving) real loud so the neighbors will think your crazy. ("Bill, are you okay? I heard the strangest noises out of your garage.").

   8.   Put on your ice skates, and walk around the house. It would do wonders in building up your ankles, though it may do terrible things to your wooden floors.

   7.   Get out your golf clubs, and head to the nearest indoor simulator.. Look at it this way, you will save money by not having to purchase golf tees. Plus you can pretend you are playing Pebble Beach and Augusta ("..Cinderella story, walking on the 18th fairway at Augusta...It's in the hole, it's in the hole..."). Another plus, your clubs won't get dirty by playing indoors..

    6.   With no snow, maybe you can get a cut rate price to visit Aspen. Of course, with Aspen, I wouldn't count on getting too good of a deal. Though you can find all sorts of bargains at the 'Mt. Trashmore' ski hills that many towns seem to have these days.

   5.   Speaking of saving a few bucks, with no snow you can go to the hardware store and stock up on all sidewalk salt to last the next ten years. That you can get on the cheap.

   4. Go out and count your firewood. There is probably a whole lot more this year then there has been in previous January's.

   3. Brag about how bad previous winters were. "I remember the winter of '02. We had 84 feet of snow, and it was always twenty below zero. To get the ten miles to school every day, I rode an old mule, and we ate coal for lunch. Those were the good old days."

   2. Drive around town real slow, with your headlights lit, and windshield wipers on. Call it practice for when the real weather hits.

And finally the number one thing you can do this mild winter...

      1. Wear your parka as a fashion statement. Or as they say in New York and Milan, "For the winter season, don't be caught in the cold with out your heavy coat. This winter's colors will be an exciting 'Forest Green' and an exquisite 'Beguiling Brown'."

Come on back on Tuesday, I'll have another So as I was Saying essay. .

We will talk soon

Jeff